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"I Sexed-Up That Dossier, And Very Nice It Was Too"
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TWTWTW Exclusively Reveals The Contents of Dr Kelly's Suicide Note
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But as a Civil Servant I did not expect to be held accountable for the things I say and do, especially not by that evil Inquisitorial Foreign Affairs Select Committee. Hopefully my death will not be in vain, even though suicide is no doubt the ultimate act of vanity. My death should lead to headlines that denounce the evil character of politics and promote me as a hero, perhaps leading to a far nicer EU-style politics where no-one is held to account for anything, there is no conflict over any principle (for indeed there are no principles), and an unelected politically correct dictatorship presides over those Evil elected politicians we still have left.
Addendum: All the above is untrue. Truthfully I am killing myself because my wife has been shagging around and my secret gambling addiction has left me 1 million in the red. But lest not truth be out, I'm sure my untimely death can cause at least two types of grief. I am sending this note to my favourite website 'That Was The Weak, That Was' in the hope they may print it in case the country starts going really bonkers over this case. DK.
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Best Bitter About Do-Gooders
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FOOTBALL LEGEND George Best has hit out at the media and everyone else who is saying he shouldn't have a drink. "I've got a new liver, so I've got another few years of benders in me", said Best. Particular fury was directed at the landlord of Best's local as our hero referred to the policy of only selling him mineral water as "health fascism gone mental". But his doctor has expressed concern that Best has fallen off the wagon. "I can't believe it. After everything he's been through. I'm totally shocked. Just last week, he drank a whole PINT OF SHANDY. Oh my God, what can I do? He's just out of control." And TWTWTW has exclusively captured an image of Best and his wife enjoying a glass of wine with a meal. Tsk tsk.
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Doctor Struck Off
Medical List
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Ronan Keating: "I got high on Solvent Abuse"
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Govt. Proposes Lowering The
Voting Age To 5
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However such Child-Bombs have not exactly struck a chord with the kids, those whose 'empowerment' is sought. Jenny Skive, 15, President of the Stop the War Coalition and District Organiser of the Socialist Worker's Party said, "To be honest, I only attended the 'demonstration' for free orange squash and to get out of my citizenship classes. Yeah, I can bang a drum, but I was hardly aware of the complexity of these political issues". Her friend John Truant, 16, said, "Yeah man, give us the vote. I look up to my parents who use their vote as a means to exercise the right to abstain from voting".
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- What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?
- Well hung.
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