house.  Pete Flack told the Star that one of his cats once crossed Mr Martin's garden in Norfolk.  Apparently Tony Martin shot the cat with a Magnum .45, and the feline now walks with a limp.
          "I am merely a product of today's paranoid victim culture", stated Mr Martin.  "I'm not a violent man.  OK, it is true that I sleep fully clothed in a booby trapped house with a Kalashnikov rifle by my side, but this is only to defend myself in downtown Norfolk.  In the USA people have the right to defend their property.  But in politically correct Britain it seems illegal to kill and maim people.  It's utterly bonkers", said the pot to the kettle.

When Dan Robber died (he was a victim of Tony Martin, you know), he met St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.  One thing he hadn't expected was the abundance of clocks with names by their sides.  "What are all these clocks for?" asked the dead one.  "They measure bastardness", replied St. Peter.  "Each time someone on earth acts like a real bastard, another second ticks past on their clock". 
Robber examined the specimens.  Princess Diana's clock hadn't moved at all, for she was so good.  Abraham Lincoln's clock had only moved two seconds, confirming that the US President had only been a real bastard on two occasions.  And Robber's own clock had moved several times, but not enough to warrant concern. 
Then Robber began to wonder… "Where is George W. Bush's clock?" he asked.  "Oh, that's in Jesus Christ's office", replied St. Peter, "he's using it as a desktop fan.

If you were a US Energy Company called Powergen and you had a subsidiary that operated in Italy, what would you call that company's website?   Probably not www.powergenitalia.com   ....   but

          Jim O'Neill, chairman of the Professional Association of Teachers, said singers showing their bottoms like Kylie Minogue and Christina Aguilera were having a bad effect.  He said primary age girls were being sent home for wearing revealing g-strings and short skirts in a bid to look cool.  "Kylie trivialises femininity and puts too much pressure on girls to grow up too fast because they want to copy the people shown to be succeeding", claimed O'Neill.  But Minogue responded: "This is an issue for school discipline, and not my cute ass".