This weak saw Graham Norton and Tony Blair say 'well done' to all 17-18 year olds.  An unprecedented 100% of students passed their A-level exams, prompting the usual round of questions regarding the alleged easiness of said tests.  To settle this matter once and for all, TWTWTW obtained a copy of the A-level Cultural Studies paper and we exclusively print an extract.

• Write 200 words about your favourite TV programme.  Say what makes you like it.
  

Once one has gained at least three A-Level Grade E's, one may be tempted to go to University.  "It's got to be better than getting a job", said hopeful Fresher Johnny Carling.  "I want to spend three years getting fucked out of my skull", added peer Piers Thompson.  Such comments raised the issue of why students go to university, and so TWTWTW commissioned a survey of the entire student population.  Here are the results.
We showed these results to Editor of the Times Higher Education Supplement Y. Bother.  He said, "These results are unsurprising.  The whole university system has become a mere extension of the unemployment market.  Rather than get people to sign on, these days you are encouraged to get involved in 'lifelong learning'.  Whilst this shifts the burden of cost for the unemployed away from the state on to the unemployee herself, it also makes capitalism look more dynamic than it actually is.  However I am surprised that you found that 3% go to university for knowledge.  This is a rather high figure, methinks, and I wonder if these figures come from eager freshers, before they become aware they're just getting taught relativist crap for their pounds?"

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.
He said to the female whale, "Let's both swim under the ship and blow out of our air hole at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink."
They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore.
The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore."
At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him.
"Look", she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen".

NOTE: The average blue whale produces over 400 gallons of sperm when it ejaculates, but only 10% of that actually makes it into his mate. So 360 gallons are spilled into the ocean every time one unloads, and you wonder why the ocean is so salty...

          Obviously David Kelly was no Walter Mitty (whoever the hell he was), but does he really have to be the new Diana?  This seems to be the view of the Hutton Inquiry where any criticism of Kelly is already outlawed.  The Daily Mirror has helped the canonisation of the suicide civil servant by shortening the Welsh David to 'Dai', just as other tabloids abbreviated murdered schoolboy Damilola Taylor to 'Dami'.  With all Saints, their name can be evoked to justify anything, and so media commentators have argued that intervention in Iraq must continue as a tribute to our 'Dai'.  Dai is an unlikely neo-Di as he went around in Clarks shoes, NHS specs and Barbour clothes, and he also bears a striking resemblance to serial killer Harold Shipman.  But his 'bravery' and 'courage' in killing himself makes up for the lack of glamour.
          There is no hard questioning of anyone at the Hutton Inquiry just in case someone else kills themselves, which raises the issue of what the point is of the whole Inquiry in the first place.  Lord Hutton told TWTWTW, "Look, you precocious little shit, the purpose of the Inquiry is to use David Kelly as a catalyst in the process of bashing elected politicians and to work towards their replacement with an unaccountable dictatorship of law lords.  Unlike the Commons, TV is not allowed at this Inquiry, symbolising the fact that ordinary people count for nothing in the new system.  And given that this is all taking place in a highly charged climate of emotionalism, there is nothing anyone can do to stop me.  Ha ha ha, cackle cackle".