left?" he asked in a moment of existential anxiety.  "We've already done fox-hunting, competitive sports, drinking, smoking, drugs, unsafe sex, unsupervised play, conkers, loitering which might be perceived as threatening, politically incorrect humour, unhealthy eating, video nasties, violent computer games, rap music, sunbathing, driving fast, raising children without classes, throwing things away without recycling, and gambling that promotes a 1980s greed culture.  It seems the only pastime left is 'gardening' but what we can we say against that?  Maybe we should come out as the gardener's choice party".
On the Thursday, the last day, there was a disco.  We dressed up in school uniforms and Blair deejayed dressed as a headmaster.  We danced to D:Ream's "things can only get better".  I almost pulled but the woman then sprayed my eyes with CS gas in case I was going to stalk her.
All in all it was a great conference.  I doubt the Tories could top it.

A Local Government Campaign against the childhood pastime of conkers has seen 156 arrests made, with 97 children locked up in Youth Offender Institutions for daring to take part in the dangerous sport.  Police swooped on suspected conker rings last night amidst high publicity.  In an unfortunate incident, SWAT teams shot a child of nine after he appeared to reach into his

pocket for a 48er.  "We have to take every precaution in the defence of our officers", said a police spokesman.  "The children need to know we only have their best interests at heart.  We're trying to protect them from the hazardous game of conkers".  But these words were of little comfort to a grief-stricken family.
However the campaign

A boy wields a double barrelled super conker in defiance of police

group Mothers Against Conkers generally welcomed the intervention of the police.  "It's a perilous game", said spokeswoman Eliza Risknut, "they could have someone's eye out with that".

A man walks into a pub with a lump of Tarmac under his arm.
The barman says "Can I help you sir?"
The man replies "Yes i'll have a pint of lager and one for the road please".