sky blackened, there were rumbles of thunder, and animals went scurrying underground.  And Gordon Brown's baby was born.  Suggestions for it's name have included 'Damien' and 'Hash', but it seems likely that given the bank manager father's lack of imagination, the boy wonder will be called 'John Brown'.
The delivery was a miracle.  Firstly baby Brown had to pass a five-point test before exiting the womb.  In particular he had to show he wouldn't be a drain on the Brown budgetary resources so the parents could make the most of the Working Families' Tax Credit.  He had to agree to a contract drawn up by Gordon of Brown.  In return for pocket money fixed at the rate of inflation, baby Brown will have to shit no more than three times a day, puke less than twice a day, and not cry during the night.  Otherwise the father is likely to sue the Maker, believed to be the milkman.
It took quite a while for Mrs Brown to conceive.  In the interests of 'fairness', no one sperm wished to excel.  But in the interests of 'accessibility', Sarah Brown was willing to keep trying.
Gordon Brown knew the

world's media were waiting outside the hospital, and he wanted to appear as if he'd been through a heroic experience.  So he obtained some blood from a Party donor and smeared it across his shirt for the cameras.  He told journalists "It was a gruelling 48 hours of new labour, but we pulled through.  I imagine it must have been hard on my wife too - not really sure as I was in the café signing the baby-father pledge card.  But we both cried tears of joy".
The delivery was particularly welcome as the Brown's previous attempts at reproduction had resulted in a premature birth followed by early death of foetus Jennifer Jane.  That death was sym

bolic for Gordon Brown - it represented the fact that early entry into the Euro could be dire.  But now we know that if you wait for the right time, you could be eight pounds (and two ounces) better off.
First to congratulate the Browns on their successful spawning were the Bleearghs who now have several offspring of their own.  One such progeny - Euan Blair - said, "Well done.  Can we go down the pub now to celebrate?" before receiving a Cherie scowl.  Meanwhile Tony Blair hailed the breeding as a great new strategy for increasing the Labour Party membership.
The Browns are now to voluntarily attend parenting classes, primarily as a media gimmick to set an example to the hoi polloi.

unprecedented number of people called TWTWTW with comments for our "Tony Blair Heart Defect Phone-in".  Here are a number of those comments:
"I didn't even know he had a heart" - Cyril Leadbetter, Yorkshire.
"It didn't surprise me because lumps of granite are bound to beat irregularly" - Dave G., Essex.
"Perhaps he is metamorphosing into a vampire" - B. Summers, California.
"New Labour, New Arteries please" - John Blunt, London.

"Hopefully this will precipitate his early death" - Abdul Al-Jazarri, Baghdad.
Frankly the staff at TWTWTW were shocked there seemed to be so much hatred directed towards the greatest Prime Minister of all time.  We wish to distance ourselves from such comments, and hope Tony Blair doesn't go the same way as predecessor John Smith.  We pray that Tony Blair lives a long time, at least long enough to witness the revolution whereupon his head will be impaled on a spike.

here has been little in the media over the past couple of weeks but stories about football.  Sex allegations, drugs allegations, and fan hooliganism are held to have ruined the image of the "beautiful game".  Mercifully England drew 0-0 with Turkey ('heroically' apparently) and so the image was not totally destroyed.  But it is clear that football has become an obsession for the petit-bourgeoisie, having wrested control of the game from the working class.  For the middle class, footballers are all meant to be role models for the youth who are said to lack direction in an atomised society.  Beckham is held to be ideal, particularly

given his view that football can help to promote world peace.  Michael Owen was held in esteem until it became clear he spent his earnings down the casino.  Evil footballers from the past have included Paul Gascoigne who neglected his fitness in favour of lager, kebabs, and CIGARETTES, Eric Cantona who failed to attend anger management therapy after assaulting a fan, and George Best who can't stop drinking.  Now, if Best attended the therapy classes, he could expect to see his star rise again.  Cantona attempted to attain forgiveness by claiming the fan he assaulted was a racist and therefore he was merely a vigilante of political correctness.
'Good' footballers on the other hand have included Paul Merson and Tony Adams, for being addicted to coke, lager, and gambling, and alcohol respectively, and, more importantly, seeking treatment.  Merson acquired super role model status by crying twice at press conferences, once for his own fetishes, and once in sympathy for poor Gazza, who also cried on other occasions.  Adams disclosed that he had wet the bed in his autobiography Addicted, thereby cementing his

status as a human ideal.
In 2001, German police employed stress counsellors to diffuse tension amongst English football fans.
All this took place as the petty bourgeois stole the game, but the recent revelations have shown them that rich footballers do not always follow their moral script.  They can't remove their passports as they did with the 'hooligan element', but they will attempt to wreck the careers of people like Rio.  Perhaps it's time we got our ball back?

Red Dave here.  Not a lot happened this week.  But I went to see the doctor for my chest pains.  It's quite a walk - about 15 minutes so I was out of breath by the time I arrived.  In the waiting room there were all these posters about "Zero Tolerance" for violent patients.  Fair enough, I thought.  Doctors deserve our respect and we shouldn't beat them up or swear at them.  But once I'd seen Dr Waggle, I felt differently.
"How much do you smoke?  How much do you drink?  How much fatty food do you eat?  How much exercise do you take?  How much sex do you have?" were the first questions he asked.  I felt like telling him to mind his own bloody business but I had to answer his questions in order to get the medication for my chest, preferably Valium I hoped.

It's funny how everyone lies when they're in the doctors and asked these pointless questions.  The general rule is to divide the smoking/drinking/food  answers by about five.  Thus I said I only drank ten pints a week, smoked five cigarettes a day, and only ate bacon once a week.  Then you have to multiply the exercise question by ten.  So I said I went swimming once a week.  It's like a game of let's pretend.  You pretend to live a healthy lifestyle and the doctor pretends to believe you.
Thanks to the new patient-doctor contracts drawn up by Neo Labour, I had to agree to get even healthier and somehow to trim down my beergut before I got the script.  Dr Waggle wouldn't give me any Valium because he said it was 'addictive' (but that's why I wanted it!), so he put me on some anti-cholesterol crap instead.  It

struck me that doctors never do what you want and they are far too intrusive.  No wonder they suffer from 'verbal and/or physical abuse'.

ith Summer a mere memory, British society faces the onset of Winter with dread.  Cases of SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) are believed to be on the rise this year as we struggle to cope with wind, rain, a lack of Sun, and The Cold.  Victims of SAD feel depressed in Winter and ask for therapeutic intervention.  But like King Canute who wanted to stop the tides, we realise we cannot defeat natural processes.  This powerlessness intensifies the grim reality of SAD.
Bob Fleck of Swansea told TWTWTW, "It gets really bad this time of year.  The change in the weather distresses my mind.  Counsellors say I should see them for consolation and a group hug".  But John Zazz of People Against

Stupid Syndromes (PASS) said, "We fully accept the phenomenon of Winter Blues - it is simply human to feel pissed off without the Sun.  But medicalising this as 'Seasonal Affective Disorder' is absurd.  It treats the issue as an illness and leads to bogus voodoo treatments whereas we want to say 'get over it'".
Such treatments, according to the SAD Association website, include sitting in front of a special light for an hour a day and obtaining counselling where you are encouraged to accept your limits.  The manufacturers of the special lights - the notorious firm Shitola - sell units for around £100 each.  These mystical talismans are said to prevent the condition worsening, but it is more likely they are simply psychosomatic, appearing to be a cure

for a 'disease' that was only ever in the mind.

• Beckham's Challenge
  

It is England vs Scotland in the qualifiers of the 2006 world cup, and the England team are so confident that they accept Beckham's request to play Scotland all on his own whilst they head down the pub, or in Owen's case, the casino.
At full time, they all head back to the stadium to find out the score, only to find Beckham sobbing in the changing rooms.
'Whats wrong?' they asked him. 'Did you lose?'
'No,' replied Beckham, 'We won 2-0.'
'Then why are you crying?' asked the team.
'I got sent off after 10 minutes!'

• Cupid Stunts
  

The Darwin Award Winner: When his 38-calibre revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder: He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

The Honourable Mentions:

1. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and, after a little hopping round, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine out and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

2. A man who shovelled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

3. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Beltway had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.  The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

4. An American teenager was hospitalised recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

5. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? $15.

(If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, was a crime committed?)

6. A thief burst into a Florida bank wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun.  Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled, "FREEZE, MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A ****-UP!" For a moment, everyone was silent. Then the snickers started. The guard completely lost it and doubled over laughing. It probably saved his life, because he'd been about to draw his gun. He couldn't have drawn and fired before the thief got him. The thief ran away and is still at large. In memory of the event, the banker later put a plaque on the wall engraved with the words, "Freeze, mother-stickers, this is a ****-up!"

7. Seems this Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID; to which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

10. Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck.  Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper. They were quickly arrested.

AND FINALLY. . .

When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle Street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage.  A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.