THE (NOT ENTIRELY) INDEPENDENT, LONDON:  TONY BLAIR has sparked controversy with his plan to deny fat drunken smokers treatment on the NHS.  Unveiling his policy proposal at a Labour Party Rally, Mr Blair said, "I have an exceptionally narrow view of what counts as a 'decent person' in my New Britain.  Those that fall outside this category are not entitled to free healthcare.  We simply cannot afford to sustain the Idealist view of the NHS as 'equal treatment for all'.  This monolithic idea of the NHS belongs to the past, to the age of ideology.  To modernise, we must go beyond these forces of conservatism and think outside the square.  Therefore people that eat too much, smoke tobacco, or drink alcohol are not part of our cautious new world.  This is what 'socialism' means to me in the 21st century.  It's a variety of national socialism".
          Chancellor Gordon Brown then presented a budget breakdown proving the Premier's logic.  "With taxes at a mere 40% of people's income, there is not enough money for projects outside of our policy priorities, i.e. more war, more CCTV, more police, and the never-ending search for WMD.  It is true that smokers pay an extra £6bn a year in tax whilst treatment for smokers stands at £1bn, but that leaves out the hidden cost, that is the ethical cost to the moral hygiene of our society".
          But critics of Government policy have rounded on Tony Blair.  Heroine Cathy Smack of Victims not very Anonymous said, "We agree that the people identified by Mr Blair are a drain on Our resources.  But rather than write them off

O'FLAHERTY confessed that he had committed sins of the flesh with a new woman in town.  And worse, she was a Protestant.  "She is an actress in the new show at the Town Hall, Father," he said.  "Her name is Pussy Pink and she is a seductive, volutpuous red head, and if you saw her Father, you would understand."
The priest granted absolution but was intrigued about the description of the town's new vamp.  The following Sunday he saw a well-built redhead sway down the aisle all the way to the front pew.
Nudging the organist he said: "Hey, Gilligan, is that Pussy Pink?"
Gilligan turned and squinted at the woman as she crossed her legs.  "No, Father," he said, "It's just the sunlight coming through the stained glass windows."

Warning To Males

          Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, partygoers and unsuspecting pub regulars to be alert & stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.
          A date rape drug on the market called "beer" is used by many females to target unsuspecting men. The drug is generally found in liquid form & is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in large kegs. "Beer" is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars
to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them.
          Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of "beer" and then simply ask him home for no! strings attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach.
          After several "beers" men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted.
          After drinking "beer" men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that something bad occurred.
          At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." It has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude & punishment referred to as "marriage."
          If you fall victim to this insidious "beer" and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys.
          For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the yellow pages.