Elton John is to team up with Posh Spice for a new version of 'Candle in the Wind', entitled 'Fans all into Gin'.  There will be a compulsory minute of silence held nation-wide across Britain next weak.

          THE GUARDIAN, LONDON:  The Evil Tories have delayed implementation of the Government's new Sexual Offences Bill in the Lords by insisting that 'cottaging' be outlawed.  Cottaging, where typically gay men have sex in a public toilet, is said to be a public nuisance, a social problem of historically unprecedented dimension.  It is held that perpetrators cause so much harm to the moral fabric of our society that they must be locked up for 2 years.  Many homosexual groups are said to be indignant.  Gay rights campaigner  Peter Tatchell complained, "I get a lot of pleasure out of my local public toilet.  The Lava-Tories are just homophobic scum.  Daisies of the world unite! - you have nothing to lose but your chains".  But Baroness Jaywalk said the amendment was 'gender neutral', adding "We're happy to lock up straight people as well".  Tatchell then consulted his Scottish friend Ben Doon and replied, "Oh, that's OK then".  From his booth watching his favourite sport (Drag Racing) with Irish pals Thomas Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzthomas, Tatchell added, "but I'll be buggered if I join the Conservative Party".  CCTV will be installed in public toilet cubicles in the near future.

          A SHOCK new study has found children as young as 3 take up smoking after seeing their favourite Hollywood heroes smoke in films.  According to the study there has been a fourfold increase since data started to be collected in January 2003.  The link between smoking in films and children's dreaded habit has long been suspected, but it is only now with the University of Thanet Tech study that cause and effect has been 'proven'.

          EU President Romano Prodi has denied that his new European Constitution is blank, bare, hollow, desolate, and vacant.  "I prefer the word 'transparency'", said Prodi.  "We are very excited about this new document", claimed an orgasmic Neil Kinnock, "because it codifies where and when we can use Single Transferable Voting or Qualified Majority Voting.  Ooooh!"  However these comments have not exactly electrified the general public.  A recent survey found that 80% of people could not give a "flying fuck" about the EU project.