"We can only truly be free again when we die", claimed a mournful Charlotte Anne last night.  "We have to return to a state of nature, outside of society, indeed outside of life itself.  Death is the only solution.  Mass counselling does not address the fundamental issue that we have all been born".  Ms Anne then recommended that cyanide pills be made available to entire populations.  "It's the only way to alleviate stress", she cried.

          As part of the elite's drive to outlaw all offensive words, football fan, nay, hooligan Sean Ratcliffe (21) has been convicted under the Football Offences Act 1991.  Although no-one actually complained at the time the chant 'Your town is full of pakis' was crooned, Judge Justice Auld believed someone might be offended at some possible time in the future, and that this was enough to pass sentence.  "It's part of creating a racially diverse society", said Auld, licking his lips from the bones of a dead Iraqi.  But Terrance Terrace from the 'Kick Judges out of Football Campaign' said, "I may hate what he says, but I'll defend to the death his right to say it, to paraphrase someone old".

          EVERY CHILD in New Britain will be allocated a social worker under plans unveiled today.  Socialist Workers will be present in all classrooms as part of an Early Detection Programme for signs of Abuse in the Family.  The aim is to reduce the stigma attached to having a social worker, for if everyone already has one, they will become a normal part of life, and not merely present in a crisis situation.  Minister Charles Clarke said: "For the first time in the history of government we are seeking to organise services around the needs of the individual child. It is a daunting task, addressing the problems of social services in some areas that have led to such tragedies as the death of Victoria Climbié."  With this emotionalist touch, all opposition to the plan withered away.