Last week the Government decided to ban the use of mobile phones in cars to promote safer driving practises.  But critics claimed that the ban did not go far enough, that it still left hands-free mobile units legal, even though they might distract drivers.  Following the logic of this argument, the Government launched a new white paper proposing the banning of radios and children from cars, for these too cause a distraction.  Indeed all passengers might distract the driver, so all passenger seats would soon become illegal.  However the Liberal Democrats pointed out that just having one person in a car was bad for the environment.  Therefore the Govt. just decided to ban cars altogether.  "It will probably help our Integrated Transport Policy to put everyone on to trains and bicycles", said John Prescott, "two wheels good, four wheels baaaad".

          A new alcopop called "Roxoff" has been banned by the Portman Group that regulates the sale of alcoholic beverages in Britain.  The pop contains a herbal mixture that is said to increase sexual virility and was promoted as creating a nation of "randy buggers".  However the booze consuming public claimed that alcohol can make them feel randy anyway, and so the Portman Group is considering prohibition.