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Govt: Enjoy the Summer, but not too much
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Meanwhile the Royal Society for the Prevention of Accidents has warned about the dangers of taking children to the beach. "There may be predatory paedophiles lurking in the sand, so be vigilant. Don't take photographs in case a paedophile ring gets hold of them", states the ROSPA website.
The meteorological office has cautioned against going out for risk of hayfever. And the Food Standards Agency has issued an urgent warning regarding the use of barbecues. "It's best to cook food in an oven, and then pretend you barbecued it", the FSA has claimed. "Make sure your food is properly cooked". Without this sage wisdom, no doubt we'd all be eating raw chicken drumsticks.
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Buy An Acre of the Moon, an Acre of Mars, or
Get a Star Named After You!
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Yes it's true! You too could own part of outer space. For a fee of £50, Connall Enterprises will register you as owner of an acre of the Moon or Mars. For £100 you can have an entire star named after you, and for £1000 you can buy a planet in the solar system. OK, it is true that you will never have the ability to visit said planet/star, and should the miracle occur whereby we actually start developing these places, your contract will be void, but hey! You can pretend you are the sole owner! Connall Enterprises is not a registered Plc.
Send your cheques to "I'm a Sucker Limited Offer", Connall Enterprises, Milton Keynes, MK10 3TW.
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Oil Theory of War Held to Explain Nazi Holocaust
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Fox Hunting to be Banned, Again
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For the umpteenth time, Parliament has voted to ban hunting with dogs. MPs claimed it was more ethical to shoot foxes instead. "We just don't like red-coated men strutting around on horses as if they are better than nature. It is up to us to determine how people spend their free time", stated MP Tony Banks. However Tony Blair is seeking a compromise. "A Third Way perspective would see hunting banned, but not absolutely. It will be banned on every day except Sunday", said a coherent Mr Blair.
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TWTWTW's Sue Denim Interviews Chief Medical Officer Sir Liam Donaldson
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SLD: Smoking kills 125,000 people a year. That's what Goliath did, didn't he?
{At this point, Sue Denim lights a
cigarette}
You can't do that, hear ye nothing that I say?
SD: The ban is not in place yet, besides, we are in my offices. I can do what the fuck I want.
SLD: But you might give me lung cancer! Help me someone!
SD: Relax. You have more chance of dying from Japanese food.
{Sir Liam Donaldson begins coughing outrageously}
SLD: This is what I call INAPPROPRIATE BEHAVIOUR.
SD: You are what I would call an inappropriate individual.
{The interview was terminated at this point. Sir Liam Donaldson did not develop lung cancer. But Sue Denim caught a cold from SLD's offensive coughing and spluttering.}
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