(SIGNS OF) THE TIMES, LONDON:  EVIL TYRANT Saddam Hussein has come out of hiding and issued a writ for libel, naming Tony Blair as the plaintiff.  Mr Blair had previously admitted that it was obvious now that Iraq did not possess weapons of mass destruction, but argued that Mr Hussein probably had intentions to develop weapons programmes, regardless.  Mr Saddam Hussein Al-Tikriti stated in a pre-trial hearing that Blair could not prove such intentions and that it was defamatory to his character.
          Tony Blair is said to be 'ape-shit' and has ordered the army to begin raiding tombs to search for WMD.  Hired Tomb Raider Ms Croft (pictured) has entered Iraq and begun looking for corpses whose expressions may betray the desire to create WMD.  Hopes rest on Ms Croft who may prevent millions of tax-payers money being wasted on a costly libel action.
          "Look", said Mr Blair, "we've really pissed off Saddam Hussein.  Therefore he must have wanted to strike back.  Therefore he intended to develop WMD.  Ergo, our case for war is proven".
          George Bush has yet to comment on the issue, but close aides have said he may have to bomb the High Court when Saddam makes his appearance. 

          The recently discovered psychological condition of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is believed to have more sufferers than previously thought.  People who smoke are now deemed to be suffering from OCD, as well as being ADDICTED to nicotine, claims psychologist Pauline Puff PhD.  "The action of raising the cigarette to the mouth and down again is just like the movements of a typical OCDist who would normally wash their hands for twelve hours a day.  It is likely that the smoker is expressing some kind of existential anxiety or even revealing that they are traumatised.  Therefore to give up smoking is going to require more than willpower and nicotine patches from now on.  We need a whole new approach that will involve high-level counselling and character review.  In cases where the individual smokes more than 20 a day, it is possible they even have an anti-social personality disorder and will require being locked up in a mental unit".
          Meanwhile TWTWTW recommends the website Fake Fags where smokers can purchase polite labels to cover the EU health warnings that now dominate the cigarette packet.  Readers may like to visit http://www.fakefags.co.uk and buy labels such as "Smoking is Cool" and "You might get hit by a bus tomorrow".